Waiting

Rather weak toward the end, I thought… but I had an image I wanted to portray..

Jaejoong made an ‘O’ with his mouth as he breathed out, then watched as the whorls of smoke rose in perfectly concentric circles into the cool autumn air. Idly he wondered how much longer it would take for Yunho to turn the corner, furrow his brows, reach through the smoke rings and confiscate the cancer stick dangling between his fingers. Fondly, he pictured him grinding it underfoot while glaring a silent reprimand and denying him a ‘hello’ kiss in that all-too-familiar way.

Lifting a lanky leg onto his thigh, he slouched even further down against the discoloured wall. The cup of coffee on the table next to him had long since ceased to join him in misting up the java-charged cafe air. Instead, it busied itself allowing the creamer to sink to the bottom of the cup, then settling the main colloidal body of caffeine in atop it, before allowing the thin glaze of watery coffee to linger above the latter, while the tiny snatch of pale foam desperately tried to remain afloat in its thinning consistency.

He mused on the odds of Yunho being miffed enough, when he arrived, to simply pick up the coffee and down it without looking. A decidedly devious grin spread across his face as he looked forward to the leader’s reaction, envisioning what a good laugh he would have when Yunho swigged down the concoction and spat it out in disgust. That decided, he cheerfully dismissed the waiter’s offer to have the coffee warmed up.

As quickly as he had shooed the waiter away, however, he recalled the fellow to ask for some napkins. They’d come in handy once Yunho was done spitting it out, or he might get in a huff about having coffee stains flecking a favourite shirt… or worse, one of Changmin’s shirts. He shuddered as he recalled the fortnight-long laundry punishment he’d had to do as penance for the last clothing-related prank he’d pulled. Not even Yunho’s clout as the leader of the band had been able to save him from the youngest member’s wrath.

Leaning back against the cool wall, he brought the cigarette to his lips and prepared to inhale a breath.

Instead, it was knocked out of him by a strong hand landing heavily on his shoulder, and resting there. Startled, he looked up to see who it was. As soon as their eyes met, Jaejoong’s fell petulantly.

“What are you doing here?” he queried sullenly, eyeing the cigarette turning steadily into ash between his fingers. He pretended to be fascinated by the dying embers that flaked away from time to time, falling like so much grey snow onto the ground.

“I should be asking you that. Your sister told me you would be here. She told me you’ve been here everyday. What are you doing?” Yoochun answered, a stretch evident in his voice as he strained it to keep it calm and even.

To a stranger, Jaejoong would have appeared unmoved. To Yoochun, however, the tightness of his jaw, the faraway look in his eyes, the grim set of the cheek muscles… all pointed towards his desperate determination.

“Waiting.”

Yoochun rolled his eyes upwards and let out a sharp ‘pfft’ of a breath at the answer.

“Let’s go, hyung, let’s just go home now, alright?”

“No can do,” Jaejoong stared resolutely ahead instead of at Yoochun. “He’ll think I stood him up.”

Yoochun winced at the reference. Gulping down a huge swallow of air, he inwardly implored all the supernatural powers known to mankind to help him.

“He won’t be coming, hyung, let’s go.” Yoochun repeated the last words emphatically, and shaking Jaejoong’s shoulder.

“He will, just wait,” insisted Jaejoong, trying to pry open the younger boy’s fingers.

“He won’t, hyung! He’s not coming, how many times do you need me to say it? He won’t come today, or tomorrow, or even if you wait here for the rest of the century! He won’t come back no matter what you do!”

“Why don’t you just leave me alone,” Jaejoong snapped, shrugging Yoochun’s hand off his shoulder sharply. “It’s none of your business anyway.”

“None of my business?” spluttered Yoochun indignantly. “Yeah, I’m sure Yunho hyung would’ve wanted me to leave you well alone, and let you mope around like this for the rest of your life!”

“You don’t know what he would’ve wanted, so don’t pretend you do.” Jaejoong’s comeback was hard, gritted out through teeth that hardly saw the light of day even in a smile.

“And you do?” Yoochun’s voice rose even higher, his hands fisting to stop himself from trembling. “You know what, hyung, why not let’s you and me go and ask him. Ask Yunho hyung what he would’ve fucking wanted.”

With that, he laid a strong hand on Jaejoong’s arm in a bruising grip and yanked the surprised boy out of his seat, then proceeded to drag him towards his car not ten steps away. He paid no heed to the coffee cup having been knocked over in their scuffle, splashing to the floor. Instead, he concentrated on swatting the still-lit cigarette out of Jaejoong’s hand before thrusting the struggling singer none too gently into the passenger seat, shutting the door on his protests and locking it. Stepping round to the driver’s side, he got in and started the car without another word, pulling out of the parking space with an ear-piercing yelp that spoke volumes of his annoyance, at which Jaejoong fell silent and hung his head in a sulk.

The ride could hardly be more tense. Yoochun’s eyes were fixated on the asphalt as if it had wronged him grievously. Jaejoong was lost in deep thought, glowering darkly at his feet on the floor. After what seemed to be a lifetime, the car came to a halt with a short, sharp screech, lurching like it was going to be sick.

Yoochun snatched the key from the ignition, got out and went round to the passenger side door. Flinging it open, he reached in and grabbed the bowed figure inside by the collar and dragged him out of the vehicle and down the gravel path, not caring that he stumbled and tried to pull away.

He stalked along the path with long strides, not once letting up his knuckle-whitening grip on the other’s shirt until they reached their destination. Releasing his hold on the bony shoulders of the elder boy, he shoved him roughly to the ground so that his knees collided painfully with the sharp stones on the ground.

“He’s here, dammit! He’s here! He’s been here all along, Jae! Why can’t you just open your eyes and see it, open your heart and fucking accept it?” screamed the younger, falling onto his knees beside Jaejoong and shaking his shoulders agitatedly.

“He’s gone, hyung… he’s gone…” Yoochun’s voice trailed off from the angry yelling, into a keening wail that subsided soon enough into a more subdued grief. Jaejoong hardly noticed Yoochun crumpling into his chest, racked by an avalanche of sobs that ordinarily, would have buried every thought except the one that called on him to comfort his best friend.

Jae hadn’t – couldn’t – hear a single word that Yoochun had flung at him. Eyes focused slowly on the white marble slab that stood before him, its stark simplicity giving it a stature that was almost grand, so much like the person who supposedly lay beneath it. Hie mentally traced the lines carved into it, not leaving even the tiny serifs at the edge of each letter untouched in his mind. His hands, moments before raining a hail of fists against his captor, now sank to allow his fingers to seek solace in the embrace of fallen leaves.

A parched, wrinkled leaf clung to the edge of the small monument, and Jaejoong absently reached out to brush it away. As soon as his fingers contacted the cold marble, his painstakingly constructed defences fell away.

Uncertainly, his lips formed words that voiced themselves in whispers. “Yunnie… is it… really you, under there? You wouldn’t really, would you? You wouldn’t really do this to me… you promised me you’d meet me there…”

His fingers pressed into the sharp, unyielding edge of the stone, willing himself to feel pain, so that he could know it was real, that everything was real. A painful lump welled up in his throat, a lump that he couldn’t swallow no matter how hard he tried. His eyelids fluttered, almost too quickly to be perceptible, eyes glimmering with an unnatural brightness.

“You said you’d definitely be there, you said to wait for you, no matter how long it took, you’d be there…” he choked up, tears stinging the corners of his eyes now. Wiping them away furiously, he struggled to control his emotions, chin held aloft at a defiant angle.

“I waited, Yunnie…” His shoulders slumped, the weight of his grief full on the hands that ground into the gravel, fisting around leaves and stones.

“How much longer, Yunnie… how much longer do I have to wait? Was it all a lie? I believed you when you said you were going to be there, even if it… if it killed you…”

Yoochun’s weeping rose in volume at that, but he never even noticed how his fists clenched around his jacket lapels even harder than before.

The tears were falling now, like rain. He didn’t even try to brush them away – it didn’t matter now. Nothing did.

He whispered in a voice that was raw, splintered, burning with hurt, “I’m still waiting, Yunnie… I’m still waiting… Come back, Yunnie… come back…”

Every beat of his battered heart hurt like it was going to burst, making it hard to breathe. If this was heartbreak, he’d rather his heart had literally split in two, to spare him from the excruciating agony. He crumbled visibly, listing sideways like a rag doll as the pain crashed like waves, unrelentingly, over his body.

Yoochun wrapped his arms tightly around his best friend’s defeated body, trying his best to shoulder the crushing grief for the both of them, knowing that his best friend felt the loss so much more keenly than anyone of them could ever fathom.

“He’s not coming back, hyung… he’s not…” The words were bitter on his tongue even as he breathed them, like a noxious fume, into Jae’s ear.

“No…”

The lone word emanated from Jae’s mouth in a low moan, an entire universe housed within its emptiness. He clung to Yoochun, unable to hold himself upright anymore, while Yoochun desperately held onto him. Like two drowning swimmers entwined together, they knelt on the gravel, falling leaves spiralling around them in a hauntingly silent swansong before they met their end on the ground.

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